Friday, November 8, 2013

Inspiration


Have you ever been replaced ?
Completely forgotten by someone that you love. Invisible. Not needed. Forgotten. Replaced. these overwhelm me...i struggle a lot with self worth and last night was very hard for me. I give away huge pieces of my heart but sometimes i give them to people who don't actually realize how much of a sacrifice it is for me. i can feel spread to thin and then i think that i'm failing.I love helping others in need especially those who have similar difficulties as me but I never fully understood that i was being used it wasnt me it was just anyone who would give this person a friend.
Im scared now to lose my other friends. I worry all the time and most of it never happens but still i worry.
I worry about one of our foster kids going back home and then us not getting her if she goes back into care. I worry about my favorite teacher's pregnancy, what if there are complications, what if she gets sick,what if the baby is stillborn or has difficulties. I worry about my family when they drive to school or to work. I worry about a school shooter. I worry about losing my grandparents. I worry about having to repeat 9th grade. I worry about other foster kids who have gone back to their bio families. I worry about coming to school and hearing about a kid that I didn't say good bye to committed suicide. I worry about people who have passed away, what if they didn't go to heaven. I worry about Jadon, and Gwendolyn, and Nora, Lucy Lunt, Hayden, Getty, Scarlett, Stella, Addy, Aaron,Cheyenne,Eli ,Kaige, Ari ,Ayden, and so many more.
I worry about being replaced.
                   I get really discourage and down. I cry. But slow and steadily I'm learning that bad things are going to happen all the time and it isn't my fault. I'm learning to accept that people come into my life for a reason and God has a plan for that person to talk to me and inspire my hurting heart. They may be there for a day or they might be there with me my entire life. People can make me uncomfortable and nervous but they also teach me so much. Jadon, you've taught me how to fully live and how to fully love. You gave me hope and put the light back in my eyes. You taught me how to dance in the rain. Thank you.
Dad you taught me that even when the bad things come we will rise out of the ashes. You taught me that each of us is given a gift and a weakness and that its what we do with both if these that makes us who we are. You love our family and you taught me that they're are good guys out there in the world when i thought that all of them were out to hurt me. I want to marry a man just like you.
Mommy, you inspire me daily. You are strong willed and have a way of getting everything done. You are an amazing Mom to all of us kids and without you none of us would be who we are today. You laugh with us and you cry. You give us life in a different way. You help us see the bad out there but then you take us to the top of a mountain and show us the good too. You are a brave and strong lady and i love you so much.
Papa Joe, i never really knew how much you meant to me until you weren't here anymore. You fought for this country and you came home. You married an amazing women who could never have been any less perfect for you. You saw hardship in your life and you pushed through and you made sue that you kept your family strong even when you all didn't feel it. You were a GREAT grandpa to all of us and you will be in our hearts forever. I love you.
Jake, dang bubba there is so much i could say about you! You are funny and the best lil brother ever. I love how much we look alike and how similar our laughs are. You underestimate yourself, you doubt you strength and your power, but you are the most willed 12 year old boy i have met. i adore how we both can fall in love with songs that everyone else thinks are dumb but we hear the message not just the words. I love how you come to me for advice and for someone to just be near you. It means so much to me that you aren't embarrassed to go places in public with me. I hope that never changes. Thank you for being my secret-keeper and my best friend ;) Dani loves jaa!!
Ya-Ya... you are insane. haha, but you are a good sister. I dreamed of Mom having another girl but never in my wildest dreams did i see you coming into my life. We have our days...and weeks. But we have so many crazy memories in the short time that i have known you. I'm sorry for being a bad role model and a bad sister. I do love you sometimes its just hard for me to say),;

I dreamed a dream in time gone by when hope was high and life worth living. I dreamed that love would never die I dreamed that God would be forgiving. But the tiger comes at night with its voice as soft as thunder and it tears our hearts apart and it turns our dreams to shame.

I love you all, Dani